Across the Himalaya with Clodagh Rogers
by bythesea
Summary: I always thought the Pythons should have made a movie version of the Cycling Tour episode.
1. Chapter 1

Majestic, snow-capped Himalayan mountain peaks. White clouds drift past.

Michael Palin (voice-over): I've been fascinated with the Himalaya for a very long time. I remember as a boy of 10 hearing on the radio news that Edmund Hillary and Tenzing Norgay had ascended to the summit of Mt. Everest. For months afterwards I kept a scrapbook filled with clippings about Everest and mountaineering. I don't suppose I ever imagined I would go there.

The camera pans down to an alpine meadow. In the foreground is a wooden desk. At the desk a man sits behind a microphone. He is wearing a tight grey suit and has on black plastic framed glasses.

Announcer (Cleese): The BBC interrupts this program to apologize for the fact that, contrary to the title, Ms. Clodagh Rogers will not be appearing. (Pauses and looks around anxiously.) She's unavailable due to a serious illness in the family. (Pauses.) Honestly. Her aunt in Winchcombe has a case of… um, swine flu. (Stares at the camera for some moments.) Oh, all right, she doesn't want to appear on our show. Well, who needs her? That's what I say. (Getting exercised.) Thinks she's too famous to appear on public television, does she? I mean, tell me honestly, who would remember her now if she wasn't mentioned in that Monty Python episode? Don't tell me about some bleeding Eurovision Song Contest! She didn't even win for Christ's sake! And that hideous song! (He starts to sing "Jack-in-a-Box" in a mocking way.)

The camera pulls back to show another wooden desk, with another announcer sitting behind a microphone.

Announcer2 (Palin): The BBC would like to apologize for that previous apology. All the people responsible have been sacked. We would like to apologize for any embarrassment we have caused Ms. Clodagh Rogers, her family and her many loyal fans. And now, let's get back to that wonderful travel documentary by Michael Palin, shall we?

In a cramped sitting room filled with cheap bric-a-brac two frumpy ladies in floral patterned dresses are sitting watching television. On the television, standing on a lace doily, is a large stuffed penguin.

Lady1 (Jones) (in a high-pitched voice): It's funny how these announcers look like they're straight out of 1972!

Lady2 (Chapman) (high-pitched voice): Yes, Mrs. Halfstuffedfrogbiscuit. They're not like the gorgeous multi-ethnic BBC hunks of today! (They both chortle loudly.)

Lady1: I agree, Mrs. Massiveheadcheese. I like Mr. Palin's sideburns though. And he's got tight slacks on.

Lady2: He was always the cute one.

Lady1: And he wasn't a pansy like the rest of them. (Chortle again.)

Lady2: Say, Mrs. Halfstuffedfrogbiscuit, what's that penguin doing on the telly?

Lady1: That's not a penguin. That's an elephant! (Leaning over as if to whisper, but still loud.) You can tell by that great big dangly thing in front.

Lady2: (Getting up and putting her face near the screen for a closer look.) Ooohh, yes. The trunk.

Michael Palin is seated on an elephant. There is a line of them going along a path in the jungle. A turbaned guide with a long stick is walking alongside Palin's elephant.

Palin: The elephant is no longer a major means of transportation in Pakistan but the villagers were keen on showing off their animals and offered us a ride. The elephants are mostly kept for their role in the logging industry--

Palin is so busy talking to the camera that he doesn't notice the low branch until he smacks into it and drops off his elephant. The cameraman and the sound man carrying a microphone boom rush out of the woods to check on Palin. Production assistants and the elephant guides join them.

Lady1 (voice-over): Isn't it funny how the cameraman is standing there but we still get to see everything!

Lady2 (voice-over): It's the magic of television, dearie.

At night a doctor and the director are standing in front of a lit tent.

Doctor: It's rather puzzling. I'm afraid that as a result of his head injury Mr. Palin believes that he's a man named Arthur Pither and he's on a cycling tour of north Cornwall.

Director (Gilliam): Oh no, a Monty Python flashback! Thank God we have ten days to shoot in Pakistan. Let me try to talk to him at least.

The doctor lets the director into the tent but he pops out almost immediately.

Director: Michael must have run off!

The moon is shining over the darkened forest. Sound of Mr. Pither's pots and pans jangling. The Waltz from "Faust" plays as background music.


	2. Chapter 2

A psychiatrist (Cleese) is sitting on a comfortable chair in his office. He holds a pen and notepad.

Psychiatrist: Yes, there are many reported cases of Monty Python flashback syndrome among the cast and crew of that landmark television series. I don't know the details of Mr. Palin's case but I think we all recall that incident in 2002 during a UNESCO award ceremony for educational television.

A film clip. On a stage a presenter behind a lectern is finishing the announcement of the recipient.

Presenter:…Mr. Michael Palin. (There is loud applause in the auditorium.)

Palin walks up to the lectern as a Gumby.

Gumby: Where's my award? I want my award.

Gumby looks for the award under the papers on the lectern, scattering them and knocking over the microphones. The presenter, grinning nervously, hands over the award. Gumby brings it up to his face to stare at. He puts it to his ear with a puzzled expression. He bangs it against the side of his head.

Gumby: This is a very good award. A very good award. I'd like to accept this award… this award...(pausing as if he is trying to think of what he wants to say.) Thank you.

Film clip ends. Back to the psychiatrist's office.

Psychiatrist: My current patient suffered a traumatic experience in the second season.

On the couch is a cardboard cutout of a sheep. There's a bleating sound.

Psychiatrist: Yes, I realize you were only a Terry Gilliam cartoon sheep at the time but didn't you drop out of the sky and land on someone's head? (Sheep bleats.) Yes, I quite understand. You say you had a feeling of being manipulated, that you weren't really in control of your own behavior? Hmm, yes. You'd be surprised how common a problem that is, especially with the animated characters. (Taking notes.) Now, about your mother?

Back in the Himalaya Mr. Pither is riding his bicycle, loaded with gear and supplies, along a narrow paved road. He is a fussy, bespectacled little man wearing a sweater vest. It is early morning. On either side of him are steep rocky slopes. The road is empty. He is looking around, admiring the view.

Pither (voice-over): As the dawn's rosy glow lit up the mighty peaks of the Karakorum Mountains I realized that I was in the Northwest Frontier region of Pakistan, and not in Cornwall after all.

Cut to Pither continuing to cycle along. Waltz theme plays in the background. He is on a flat grassy field. The camera pulls back and we see that he is on the field of a polo match. The alarmed riders have to turn their horses to dodge Pither as he continues straight ahead.

Pither runs into the ball. He picks it up, doesn't know what to make of it, and tosses it into the air. Incredibly, the ball rolls into the goal. The crowd of villagers watching the match and cheering for one side leap to their feet in jubilation. The men supporting the other team grab their heads in anguish.

The captain of the side that has been scored upon confers with his teammates. He points his polo mallet ominously at Pither. The players charge towards Pither. Thousands of the rough-looking mountain villagers get up and stampede angrily in the same direction. Pither pedals frantically to escape.

Pither (voice-over): Participated in the famous polo match played annually at the Shandur Pass at an altitude of over 12,000 feet above sea level. What a marvelous spectacle! Narrowly stayed out of the way of the boisterous post-game celebration.

Cut to Pither cycling along. The familiar background music is heard again. Then the music comes to a sudden stop. Pither disappears from view behind trees. A loud crash is heard.

Pither (voice-over): Fell off my bicycle ten kilometers from Tavistock. Sorry, ten kilometers from Gilgit. The pump caught in my trouser leg. Surprisingly, my egg salad sandwiches were completely unharmed.

Pither is riding along a narrow, rocky mountain path. He makes very slow progress as he bounces over the gravel and rocks but he doesn't seem discouraged. He disappears behind a pile of boulders at the bottom of the steep slope. There is the sound of his pots jangling and then a crash.

Pither (voice-over): April 16. Fell outside Chitral. Perhaps a shorter pump is the answer.

A tiny mountain village. There are rickety wooden huts. Pither cycles in and parks his bicycle against a tree. An old wrinkled man with sunburnt skin is sitting on the roadside.

Pither: Excuse me, sir, can you tell me of a good bicycle shop in this village, where I might have my present pump shortened or, failing that, purchasing a replacement?

Old man: There's only one shop here. (He points.)

The camera pans in the direction he points and shows a shop with a huge sign that reads: "Bicycle pump centre. Specialists in shorter bicycle pumps." The camera shows another sign: "Pumps shortened while U wait!" and another: "Last bicycle shop before the Khyber Pass!"

Pither: What a stroke of luck! And it's the last bicycle shop before the Khyber Pass!

Interior of the bicycle shop. Guns are hung on the walls. On the counter are rows of automatic rifles. Two men at a workbench are assembling guns. On a wall is a poster showing a man holding a rifle. The words on the poster read: "He dies today for your tomorrow! The war for freedom must still be won!" Pither approaches the proprietor, a man in traditional Pakistani attire, behind the main counter. On the cash register is a small sign that reads: "Martyrs must pay cash."

Pither: I would be interested in seeing your selection of short bicycle pumps.

Proprietor (Cleese): Sorry, we don't have any.

Pither: Oh, that's unfortunate. When do you think you'll have another shipment?

Proprietor: No, we don't sell bicycle pumps.

Pither: This isn't really much of a bicycle shop, is it?

Proprietor: There's been…umm…a change in management.

Pither: Oh.

Proprietor: How about an AK-47? Very little vibration. Never jams.

Pither (chuckling): I don't think I'll be needing one of those.

Proprietor: Let me demonstrate.

The proprietor steps outside the shop with the gun and fires a round into the air.

Cut to a shot of the polo player leading the pursuit of Pither from the earlier scene. As he rides along the road he is suddenly hit by a stray bullet and falls. The other polo players gather around him, looking up in the sky in puzzlement.

Pither is back on his bicycle descending a mountain road.

Pither (voice-over): Haven't been able to solve the bicycle pump problem but did purchase an excellent replica Mauser pistol.


	3. Chapter 3

Pither reaches a checkpoint on the road where there are many heavily armed Indian soldiers. Along the road there is a rugged stone building and further away is a barracks for the men, and other small sheds. Sandbags have been stacked to make low walls. Jeeps and armored vehicles are parked. A flagpole flies the Indian flag.

Mr. Pither pulls out his travel documents from a pocket and hands them over to an officer while the other men stand around watching with their automatic weapons ready.

The officer talks to one of the other men, shows him Pither's documents, then turns around to the building and makes a gesture for someone to join them. Indian officials in suits hurry out to greet Pither.

Indian Official (Jones): Welcome, Mr. Michael Palin, famous British television celebrity, to India! We have been expecting you. (The men cheer and wave their automatic rifles.)

Pither: That's very kind of you, but my name's Arthur Pither. Mr. Arthur Pither of 365 Compton Road, Tewkesbury. Not this Mr. Palin you're waiting for. Sorry!

Indian Official: The people of Kashmir are great fans of Monty Python. (Soldiers start laughing and applauding.) We would very much appreciate it if you would sing the Lumberjack song for us.

Guards: (shrieking in excitement) Lumberjack! Lumberjack!

Pither: Oh, I'm afraid I can't sing.

Indian Official: So modest you are Mr. Palin. Not like these Hollywood stars we've heard about. (Chuckling and slapping Pither on the back.) It is very important for us to show how warmly we welcome the British traveling public to our land. We wish very much to be featured in one of your highly educational travel documentaries. Where is your camera crew, Mr. Palin?

Pither: Camera crew?

The Indian official looks around with some concern but then finds the camera. He looks at the camera and happily waves.

Indian Official: We wish to emphasize how safe our land is for the European tourist. I assure you that Islamic suicide bombers are strictly forbidden in our country, Mr. Palin.

Pither: That's good to know.

Indian Official: Not like the Northwest of Pakistan. It is filled with brigands, terrorists of all sorts, agents of the Pakistani intelligence service. On your travels were you troubled at all by any violent incidents? Small arms fire? Rocket-propelled grenades?

Pither: No, nothing like that, I'm sure. Although I had two hard-boiled eggs damaged near the turnoff for Newquay. I mean, Islamabad.

Indian Official: A land mine?

Pither: No, the bicycle pump got caught on my trouser leg.

Cut to a stall in a busy, colorful marketplace. The rather surly looking proprietor is selling cooked snacks. Someone behind him is throwing dough into a deep fryer. Pither is leaning over the counter talking chattily.

Pither: The pump caught on my trouser leg and the sandwiches were badly crushed. These pakoras, however, were an excellent substitute. (The proprietor looks completely bored.) It's funny how one can go through life, as I have, disliking fried food and being indifferent to hot chillies but yet be able to eat, and enjoy, a pakora like that.

Proprietor (Idle): That would be 10 rupees. (Pither hands over the money.)

Pither: I suppose that you Indians really miss being part of the British Empire.

Proprietor: (looking disgusted) Oh, certainly. (with heavy sarcasm) We will always be grateful to the British for bringing civilization to India. Without the British we wouldn't have fish and chips. Bangers and mash. Marmite sandwiches. (Pither is nodding agreeably.) For a thousand rupees each this town would go back to being part of your empire!

Pither: Thank you again for the excellent pakoras.

Proprietor: Remember what Ghandi said? It's better to be robbed blind by foreign rulers than to have home-grown politicians enrich themselves at the public's expense.

Pither: Did he really say that?

Proprietor: (curtly) No.


	4. Chapter 4

A group of Indian ladies is washing clothes at a stream. Pither, holding his bicycle, is trying to talk to an older, heavy-set lady.

Pither: ...and the pump caught in my trouser leg.

She carries on slapping the wet garments against a round rock in the stream, trying to ignore him. Pither doesn't seem to consider the possibility that she doesn't understand a word of English.

Pither: And that's why they were damaged...(No reaction.)...the pakoras...you remember...the vegetable fritters I was telling you about...They were in a Tupperware container, reputedly self-sealing, which fell open on contact with the surface of the road.

He looks for a reaction. She goes on dunking clothes in the water. She looks up at Pither and stares in an unfriendly fashion.

Pither: ...while I was cycling on the Grand Trunk Road... It was built 500 years ago by the Mughal Emperor Sher Shah Suri, you know. (He looks again for a glimmer of interest.) That shouldn't really happen to a self-sealing container, should it?

The lady wrings out the garments, puts them into a basket and carries them away from the stream. Pither waits for a few moments.

Pither (shouting after her): What do _you_ keep your fritters in? (No reaction.) I think in future I shall lash them to the handlebars with adhesive tape. That should prevent a recurrence of the same problem. (To himself) Yes, well, that was a very refreshing break. (He stretches out his arms.) (To the woman) I can't stay here all day, though. I need to get to Dharamsala by nightfall. I have an audience with the Dalai Lama tomorrow, you know. (To himself, puzzled) How did I know that?

The next day. Pither stands outside the modest bungalow that the Dalai Lama resides in. This is indicated by a sign. The house is set in a lush hillside formed into terraces. There is a flower garden with water flowing down stone channels. Pither goes in.

In the interior there is a shrine to Buddha. Colorful Tibetan sacred paintings hang on the walls. Incense is burning. Seated is a man dressed as a 19th century Chinese Mandarin, with bright blue silk robes and a Fu Manchu moustache.

Pither: Excuse me, is this the residence of the Dalai Lama?

Chinese man (Chapman): Yes, yes… si, si. That is correctment. Blessings on all your future incarnations!

Pither: I have an interview scheduled with him this afternoon.

Chinese man: Yes, correct. Speakee, speakee. Me Dalai Lama.

Pither: But you don't look at all like his picture on the cover of his book.

Chinese man: No. He die. He have heart attack and fell out of window onto exploding bomb, and was run over in shooting accident. Nasty business. I his susscussor... how you say... succsussor.

Pither: Successor.

Chinese man: Successor, yes. I his successor, Mr. Lowan Atkinson.

Pither: But don't they have to wait for the Dalai Lama to be reincarnated and identify the child?

Atkinson: We modern Tibetans now. We dispense with formalities.

Pither: Oh, I see.

Atkinson: Your face very familiar from the BBC.

Pither: You watch the BBC then?

Atkinson: Oh, yes. Nearly every day. Everybody trust the BBC. You like drinkee?

Pither: Well, a drink would be extremely pleasant.

Atkinson snaps his fingers. Another Chinese, similarly dressed, appears and bows obsequiously.

Atkinson: Mr. Robinson, get bottle Corvosseer… Corvwoss… Some cognac.

Robinson: Yes, boss. (He goes.)

Atkinson: I want to extend my welcome to you to visit Tibet.

Pither: Thank you very much. I'll be there soon. It's on… on my itinerary.

Pither looks puzzled. He doesn't know why he's conducting this interview as Michael Palin would. Palin's personality is re-asserting itself. Even his voice returns to normal.

Robinson reappears with a tray of pastries, a bottle of cognac and glasses. Atkinson and Palin pour the cognac.

Atkinson: Well, old chap, buttocks up!

Palin: Rather. (They drink.) What about your personal plans, your Holiness? Do you intend to continue your extensive travelling?

Atkinson: Yes. I would velly much like to visit this Coron…worll…

Palin: Cornwall?

Atkinson: That's what I say! Coronworl. I hear much about Coronworl in your England. You must show me.

Palin: Well, certainly.

Atkinson: Perhaps you help us join…Bingo club?

Palin: Oh…Bingo.

Atkinson: Bingo.

Robinson: Bingo.

Atkinson: (Trying to get a grip on himself.) Bingo.

Robinson: Bingo! Bingo!

Three Chinese throw themselves out of a cupboard and throw themselves at Pither's feet, imploringly.

3 Chinese: Bingo! Bingo!

Atkinson: Contloll. Contloll selves!

Robinson: (Beating floor with fist.) Bingo.

Atkinson: Robinson! Contloll self!

3 Chinese: (under breath) Bingo…

Atkinson: (to Palin) So solly. Boys get velly excited.

Palin is slightly irritated but recovers his composure and tries to get the interview back on track.

Palin: How has Tibet changed since you fled to India?

Atkinson: Chinee come and build roads. Cut down forests and develop industry. No more useless yak herding! Tibet one big empty wasted yak pasture. No more! Chinee create modern industry, attract millions more people to settle empty land. Chinee build new buildings. Chinee no live in dirt huts like Tibetans!

Palin: But now the Tibetans are becoming a minority in their own land.

Atkinson: Chinee live in peaceful cooperation with ethnic Tibetan minority. Pleased to see them continue their cololful ethnic customs. Velly good for tourism, yes?

Palin: But the Chinese have destroyed six thousand monasteries.

Atkinson: It necessary to destroy antiquated feudal theoclatic rule. Tibetans now happy to live under plotection of Chinee constitutional law.

Palin: I can't believe what you're saying. Do you mean that you've given up on the idea of returning to Tibet and assuming a political leadership role?

Atkinson: Yes, it necessary I abandon all claim to power, acknowledge lightful Chinese lule of plovince of Tibet.

Palin: That's a stunning statement. (to camera) Well, you heard it here first.

Atkinson: Velly important that you bloadcast message to wold…worrold.

Palin: World.

Atkinson: Yes.

Atkinson and Robinson confer, whispering to each other in Chinese and snickering. They cast glances over at Palin who remains oblivious. The only words we can hear and understand are "English git".

Atkinson (to Palin): You put in good word, me and flends join really smart Bingo club Coronwold...

Palin: (annoyed) Well, it's not quite my line…

Atkinson: We all velly quiet...sit at back...only shout "Housey! Housey!"

He is obviously trying to control himself but it is too late.

Robinson: Housey! Housey!

3 Chinese (still on floor): Housey! Housey!

Atkinson: (with supreme effort of will): Contloll selves!

There is hammering on the doors and the sound of a Tibetan crowd outside.

Atkinson runs onto the balcony. Shot of a mob of Tibetan protesters. They carry placards that say things like "China get out of Tibet", "More than a million Tibetans killed", "Release the political prisoners".

Palin: I think we'd better end the interview at this point.

Atkinson: Please not go yet.

Robinson: (quietly) Bingo.

Atkinson: (to Robinson) Shut face! (to Palin) Please Mr. Bingo don't bingo yet... I mean Bingo...

Palin escapes as havoc breaks out. The Tibetan mob climbs the balcony.

All Chinese: Bingo! Bingo!


	5. Chapter 5

Pither is riding along in a lush valley with rice and barley fields. On the roadside a young monk in his red and saffron robes is sitting on his suitcase. Pither stops. We don't hear the conversation but Pither apparently offers to give the monk a ride. The monk pulls his suitcase, which has wheels, behind Pither's bicycle.

Cut to Pither cycling with the monk riding on the suitcase being pulled behind the bicycle.

The monk has an oval face. He has a genial expression. He wears wire-framed glasses. His head was shaved but is growing back.

Monk: My name is Phorbu Tsering.

Pither (looking over his shoulder): My name is Arthur Pither. Mr. Arthur Pither of 365 Compton Road, Tewkesbury. Or at least I'm pretty sure it is. I had the strangest experience a few days ago. You won't believe this but for a brief period of time I thought I was BBC television personality Michael Palin conducting an interview with the Dalai Lama.

Tsering: A Buddhist would believe that you were this Palin person in a previous incarnation.

Pither: Yes, well, that would be a plausible explanation, except that Michael Palin isn't dead yet.

Tsering: Oh.

Pither: Where are you going? Are you on a pilgrimage to holy shrines?

Tsering: No, I'm going to America. I have a friend who can obtain a visa for me. America is the land of freedom and opportunity. It opens its arms to embrace people from all over the world who wish to pursue their dreams. It is where I can enter "American Idol" and become a pop singing sensation.

Pither: But what about maintaining your ancient traditions? What about preserving wisdom in your monasteries? Don't you want to provide leadership for your people in exile?

Tsering: But, Pither, I'd rather…I'd rather…sing!

Music swells up. It's "My heart will go on" from the movie "Titanic". Pither waves his arms wildly to stop the music which grinds to a halt.

Pither: No, no! There'll be no Celine Dion on my cycling tour!

A title appears on the screen: "Across the Himalaya with Celine Dion".

Pither: No, sorry, that's wrong! (He waves his arms as if to shoo the letters away.)

Pither is riding through a city, still pulling Tsering. The traffic is thick and chaotic. There are bicycles, scooters, farm trucks, motor rickshaws, buses and private cars all honking their horns and not paying much attention to traffic rules.

Cut to shot from camera mounted on the front of Pither's bicycle. As he weaves through the traffic, cows suddenly saunter in front of him. A collision looks unavoidable. The sounds stop.

Cut to long shot of Pither riding through city streets.

Pither (voice-over): April 23. Did not run into sacred cow in Srinagar. (The traffic noise resumes.)

Cut to Pither riding on a country road. He disappears from camera view on the right. There is the sound of monkeys shrieking and a crash.

Pither (voice-over): April 27. Ran over monkey outside Ladakh. Today is the day dedicated to Hanuman, the Monkey King. Phorbu tells me this is a very bad omen.

Montage of shots of Pither at various temples. He has a bandage on his left arm and Tsering's head is bandaged. Pither is in a line of devotees waiting to feed sprigs of juniper branch into small open ovens. They leave offerings of food or wine by the fire. The camera pans across men turning prayer wheels. It comes to Pither turning the largest wheel but in a counter-clockwise direction. Tsering gently shows him that he is turning it the wrong way. Pither jovially corrects his error. Pither cycles through prayer flags hung on lines and gets tangled up. Tsering helps him tie his handkerchief to a line.

Tsering: We receive many donations from famous Hollywood celebrities. Look at these prayer flags.

Close-up of the flags which say "Donated by Tim Robbins" or "Gift of Susan Sarandon".

Cut to Pither and Tsering standing by a plain modern wall.

Tsering: And how about this!

There is a sign that says: "Sulabh Public Toilets, Baths and Sanitary Complex. Paid for by the sponsorship of Richard Gere. May all your bodily processes be blessed."


	6. Chapter 6

Pither and Tsering are back cycling again. Perched at the tops of hills are monasteries in Tibetan style with sloping walls. There are white stone shrines on the hillsides.

Cut to a mountain village in Nepal. The houses are of stone, the roofs are thatched. A crowd gathers around Tsering and Pither.

Nepalese man: We very much enjoy your friend's singing.

Woman (Chapman): Oh, yes… (The orchestral music begins to swell.)

Pither: No more of that! (Pither waves off music which dies down again.)

Man (Idle): We want to hear him sing!

Pither: No! We're on a cycling tour of…um…a cycling tour of the Himalaya.

An old man leaning on a cane totters up to Pither, pulls his sleeve.

Old man (Jones): We saw her win the Eurovision Song Contest, you know.

Children run up to Tsering with paper and pens to ask him for his autograph.

Child: Excuse me, Ms. Dion, would you sign my autograph book, please? (Tsering takes it, signs it and hands it back.) Thank you. Oh…Mother, this isn't Celine Dion!

Mother (Chapman): What?

Child: It's Che Guevara, the revolutionary!

Mother: But Che Guevara can't sing.

Man: Well, maybe a little.

Mother: No, you're thinking of Ho Chi Minh. Didn't he do a version of Whitney Houston's "Didn't we almost have it all"?

Crowd: Shush! He's going to sing.

Tsering quietens the crowd but instead of singing he makes a speech.

Tsering: As we journey into the heart of the Himalaya I see indigenous people who have lost their lands and their homes to ruthless landowners. I see people treated as little more than slaves by the multinational mining corporations. It is not work that enslaves man, it is his alienation from the means of production. It is the yoke of oppression that deprives him of the joy and dignity of work. I tell you, the only solution is a people's revolution, a revolution made by the will of the people for the people.

The crowd begins to cheer. They chant "Che!" in unison. They pump their arms and shake their fists.

Woman: He's right, you know. We must mobilize the whole people as an armed unit!

Man: We must confront imperialist aggression and its puppets!

Child: We need to build a new society in which the individual disappears into the collective effort.

Old Man: I'd still like to hear him sing though. (Crowd shushes him.)

Guevara: The government does nothing for the people of the countryside! There are no roads, no schools, no electricity and no medical facilities! The only sign of a government presence is the post office. Comrades, what shall we do about this, I ask you!

Demented-looking man (Gilliam): (shaking his fist and looking slightly demented) Burn down the post office!

The crowd turns to look at him disapprovingly and he shrugs.

Old Man: He's a Maoist, you know. (The crowd again shushes him.)

Woman: We must take up arms and overthrow the monarchy!

The crowd cheers. They surround Che, touch him, and pat him on the back. He returns to Pither's bicycle and they ride off. Andean music begins to play, with flutes, pan pipes and those little guitars.

Demented-looking man: I still think we should burn down the post office.

Tsering (voice-over): Dear Mother. My friend Mr. Pither and I have set forth to travel the length and breadth of this land. We go with an inquiring mind and a humble spirit to learn from that great source of wisdom that is the people.

Caption on the screen reads: "Pokhara, Nepal… 3571 ¼ kms."

Cut to Tsering pedalling the bicycle with Pither riding behind. Tsering now has on green combat fatigues and has the beginnings of a black beard.

Pither (voice-over): What a strange turn this cycling tour has taken. Mr. Tsering is convinced that he is the Latin American revolutionary Che Guevara and he has completely forgotten about his plans to enter "American Idol".


	7. Chapter 7

Long shots of Pither and Guevara cycling. Guevara is wearing combat fatigues and a beret. He has a thick black beard.

At night Pither and Tsering are sitting at a campfire with a local couple. It is pitch black except for the flickering light of the fire. The faces of the couple are lined and look tired and anxious.

Man: We lost our farm after some bad harvests. We could no longer afford to keep the land. We had to sell to the largest landowner in the district.

Woman: We have been chased away from our homes. There were threats on our lives. You see, we are members of the Communist Party of Nepal - Maoist.

Guevara: But surely the Party took care of you?

Man: Well, yes and no. You understand that they are great friends of the peasants. They realize that the political struggle is rooted in the class struggle.

Woman: (bluntly) Another village gave him the job as postmaster but the Maoists burned down the post office.

Guevara stands up dramatically. The couple follows his example. They look a little puzzled and awkward. Guevara gives the man a powerful hug.

Guevara: I hand over to you the last ten dollars American out of my own wallet. (He hands over the bill.)

Pither: Wasn't that ten dollars to buy a swimsuit for your girlfriend?

Guevara: Be quiet!

Guevara embraces the woman in the same way.

Guevara: Comrades! May Fortune smile on you during the bleak, miserable days ahead of you!

Exterior at night of a large country mansion in Latin America. Cut to interior. Pither and Guevara are in the ballroom. A band on stage is singing Latin American pop songs from the 1950's. Well-dressed young men and women are dancing. Guevara is standing and drinking by a the bar.

Bartender (Jones): Why don't you join in the dance? It's the mambo.

Guevara: I can't dance.

Bartender: It must be embarrassing for a Latin American not to be able to dance.

Guevara: It's terrible.

Bartender: The young ladies love to see a man who can dance.

Guevara: I don't want to hear any more.

Bartender: Now, Fidel Castro, there's a man who can mambo.

Guevara: Oh, shut up.

Bartender: (shaking his head) It's a sad state of affairs. It's enough to drive a man into the jungle to take up arms to overthrow the local dictatorship.

There is a pretty young woman across the room. Guevara approaches her and asks her to dance.

Cut to Pither talking to a seated white-haired man (Jones) in a white suit holding a cane.

Old Man: Your friend, this Guevara fellow, I understand that he is going to write the final exams for his medical degree.

Pither: I'm afraid not. I think he's planning to be a Marxist revolutionary.

Old Man: He's an atheist and a socialist. He says he wishes to work at a leper hospital. He's mad if he thinks he's going to marry my daughter. I will never allow him near her! Our family has a proud tradition of exploiting the poor and indulging in our ill-gotten riches!

Pither: I say, isn't that your daughter he's walking out of the room with right now?

The old man summons some of his men. The camera follows them and Pither as they exit the ballroom into a darkened corridor. The men and Guevara are arguing in Spanish. There is some shoving. The daughter is standing in the corridor.

Pither: I had a nice chat with your Dad back there. He almost missed seeing you leave.

The girl bursts into tears.

Cut to Guevara and Pither running from the hall onto the front lawn. They are being pursued by the men. Guevara and Pither get to the bicycle and make their escape.

Pither and Guevara are riding in the dark.

Man: (unseen in the dark, shouting) Who goes there?

Guevara: Keep pedalling.

Man: Stop or we'll shoot!

There is a brief pause followed by heavy machine-gun fire. The sound of breaking glass.

Pither: Don't worry, it's only the rear-view mirror.

A longer volley of gunfire. A bullet pings off metal.

Pither: Now we've lost the water bottle holder.

An even longer barrage of gunfire is followed by the sound of the bicycle crashing. Men are running. A flashlight is switched on and we see a group of armed men standing around Pither and Guevara. The man with the flashlight is apparently their leader.

Leader (Cleese): We demand that you pay a thousand rupees to pass this road. We, the Communist Party of Nepal – Maoist, are holding this road in the name of the people of Nepal.

Pither: How do we know you're the Communist Party of Nepal – Maoist as you claim?

The leader points the flashlight at himself. He is wearing a sweatshirt that reads: "Property of the Communist Party of Nepal – Maoist (but being held in the name of the people of Nepal)"

Pither: Oh, I see.

Guerrilla: (to leader) Comrade Luchin! This man looks like Che Guevara!

Luchin: Is it possible? But you were killed in Bolivia in 1967!

Guevara: So the world thinks! So the CIA thinks!


	8. Chapter 8

The guerrillas' camp the next morning. The men are washing themselves and dressing. Some are cleaning their guns.

Pither (voice-over): It appears that we have been taken prisoner by the Maoist insurgents waging a civil war against the government of Nepal. I have abandoned my bicycle which had its chain broken when we came under heavy gunfire last night.

Cut to Pither in a line with the other men carrying tin plates waiting to be served food. Pither reverts to his Palin documentary host persona.

Palin (to camera): Here we are in the camp of the Maoist guerrillas. We are indeed privileged to be able to provide you with this exclusive look inside the operations of the rebel movement. They now control some forty percent of the countryside including districts close to the capital itself, Kathmandu. The Royal Nepali Army has been unable to defeat the insurgency despite repeated so-called "encircle and destroy" campaigns. Ah, it looks like we're about to find out what the typical jungle fighter of today eats for lunch.

Palin comes up to the campfire where the taciturn man doing cooking detail is slopping food with a ladle from a large pot.

Palin: (looking closely at the contents of his plate) What is it?

Cook: Goat head stew.

Palin (continuing to talk to camera): Ah, a local delicacy, I believe. (He holds it up for the camera to get a close-up.) Just look at those nutritious bits of goat meat swimming in that rich…

Cook: Fish sauce.

Palin: Yes, fish sauce.

Palin goes over to guerrilla eating sullenly.

Palin: And how's the food then? (The guerrilla stares at Palin without answering.) Would you say the food in this revolution is better or worse than average, comrade? Can I call you "comrade"? All men are brothers and that sort of thing. (Guerrilla stares, keeps eating, and does not respond.)

Palin does not bother to spend any more time with the silent guerrilla. He goes to another table.

Palin: (cheerfully) A nice, hot, refreshing mug of tea would go down well with that goat stew.

Palin holds up a tin cup. A man pours some liquid into the cup. Palin takes a drink but spits it all out.

Palin: (sputtering) What is that?

Man: Yak butter tea.

Palin: (recovering) I see. It's something of an acquired taste, I suppose. (He is still grimacing from the taste in his mouth.) It's just that I was expecting some old-fashioned English tea, you know, with cream and sugar. I don't suppose you have any…

Man: No.

Palin: As I thought. Well, if you're going to travel off to strange destinations, not to say that this place is strange to you of course (looking at the cook and chuckling), but as I say, if you're going to tour exotic places you have to adjust to the local cuisine. All part of the fun and challenge of travel!

Palin (to camera): How was that then? Do you think I could get a camouflage jacket, so I blend in better with the men? What do you think?

Luchin is in his tent looking over a map on a collapsible table. Another guerrilla is pointing out something on the map. Palin comes in.

Palin: Well, thank you kindly for the tent to sleep in last night and the delicious meal. I must be off now.

Luchin: Off?

Palin: Yes, I'm afraid I can't stay. I'm on a tour of … tour of the Himalaya. (He looks puzzled.)

Pither (voice-over): How extraordinary! I had another spell of confused self identity!

Pither: It was going to be on a bicycle but as the bicycle has been severely damaged by a barrage of bullets I suppose I'll have to complete the journey on foot, which will consume much more time, you see.

Luchin: I'm afraid you're not going anywhere, Mr. Palin. Think you could fool us with your feeble disguise? We happen to know that you are a famous British television personality. Your government would pay a pretty penny to ransom you.

Pither: There must be a mistake. I'm Arthur Pither. Arthur Pither of… (He is about to repeat his address but stops in confusion.)

Luchin: Now, go away. Can't you see we're busy plotting the overthrow of the monarchy?

Pither: It's funny you should mention the monarchy. I have an invitation to see the King of Nepal the day after tomorrow. (aside) How did I know that?

Luchin: You have what?

Pither: It's the tenth day of the Dasain festival. It's to celebrate the victory of the legendary hero Rama over the demon Ravana.

Luchin: The King, you say? (He and the other man exchange looks.)

Pither: There's to be a special ceremony in the Hanuman Dhoka.

Luchin: I see.

Pither: That's the Old Royal Palace, you know. It has some wonderful examples of pagoda architecture.

Luchin: Yes, I know. Do you hear that? What a wondrous stroke of luck! You, my English friend, are going to assassinate King Gyanendra for us. It will bring the revolution to an end. Celebrate victory, indeed!

Pither: Oh, no, you don't understand, I'm a guest of the King. I can't assassinate him.

Luchin: Oh, but you will. You must! (laughs) I'm a genius! My face will be on the five-hundred-rupee note. No, no, make that the thousand-rupee note! I'll be president for life! I can be on any banknote I want. Even postage stamps!


	9. Chapter 9

It is night in the grounds of the Old Palace. Towering pagodas with wide-eaved roofs loom above. In a courtyard there is a crowd of flak-jacketed military, armed police and media. A line of esteemed citizens of Nepal is waiting for their King. The men wear western-style jackets over knee-length white tunics, and white leggings. The women wear saris. The camera pans until it reaches Pither.

Pither (voice-over): So here I am then. Yes, indeed, I've made it to Kathmandu, although not entirely in the way I expected. My backpack is filled with explosives. I am accompanied by a pleasant young man named Bondo.

Pither: (hopefully) What if I continued on with my tour and didn't bother to blow up the King after all?

Bondo pulls a pistol out of his jacket and holds it to Pither's temple.

Pither: I see.

Pither (voice-over): I realized that I was in a bit of a pickle. How can I possibly extricate myself from the predicament I find myself in?

A procession comes led by women with lamps and incense sticks and musicians playing cymbals and drums. A group of masked figures enters the square. The masks are big, elaborate and brightly colored. The masked dancers, some wearing towering headdresses and animal skins, twist and turn to the music as if in a trance. There is no sign of the King.

Finally there is a motorcade out of the darkness. Army, police, and security men in plain-clothes surround the King and escort him forwards. The most impressive of the masked figures, a representation of a goddess with a blue face, staring eyes and scarlet lips, moves up close to the King.

Bondo pokes the gun into Pither's back. Pither jumps up.

Pither: I suppose I had better, um, make my approach to the King, don't you think?

Bondo nods. Pither steps timidly forward. Other civilians are pressing against the security men around the King. Bondo steps back into the crowd. The goddess is making gestures of blessing over the King's head. She holds up a ceremonial sword to hand over to him.

Pither looks up. Shot of clouds passing over the gleaming white moon.

Pither (voice-over): (inspired) Just then I have a flash of insight! I see that the King is nothing but a tiny and insignificant man, a grain of sand caught in the irresistible tides of history! History is not made by men, history is made by peoples. What could it matter if I blow him up or I blow myself up as well? I know everything will unfold as it should. All my anxiety disappears and a great feeling of calm comes over me.

The King screams. The goddess has pulled out the sword and stabbed the King. The security people surround the King and rush him away in his Mercedes. There is screaming and panic in the crowd.

Pither (voice-over): Oh, dear.

A police commander approaches Pither.

Commander (Idle): Arrest this man!

Pither: But I didn't even detonate the explosives!

Commander: Oh, never mind that. You're a foreigner and a non-Hindu! It'll be easy enough to blame this act of terror on you.

Pither: But everyone saw the blue goddess person stab the King!

Commander: Blue goddess? You expect me to believe that a blue goddess stabbed the King? Where is she then?

The camera pans through the crowd but there is no sign of the goddess.

Pither: Well, she's…she's blended into the crowd.

Commander: Oh, come now. Blue goddesses don't just blend into crowds. Next you'll be telling me the culprit is a tall albino Catholic monk! Seize this man!

Police officers seize Pither and take him away.


	10. Chapter 10

Interior of prison cell. Pither is in the cell writing in his travel journal. A sign behind him reads: "Condemned cell".

Pither (voice-over): May 13. Thrown into Nepali prison cell. Severely damaged my Mars bar. (looking up) I wonder what has happened to my friend Mr. Guevara…

Cut to the guerrillas' camp. At the center of the camp Guevara is standing beside a group of guerrillas. He is smoking a cigar. The men are blindfolded. They are trying to assemble their guns from parts which are on the ground in front of them.

Guevara (voice-over): Dear Mother. I am heartened that I have won over the confidence of the men. They wish me to impart my great knowledge of jungle warfare to them.

Close-up of Guevara smoking and waiting. The men are groping around in the dirt trying to find their gun parts. Guevara is getting impatient. The men are now wrestling one another in the dirt for gun parts.

Guevara: This isn't rocket science! Here, let me demonstrate.

Guevara puts on a blindfold and sits down in front of his own dismantled gun. He begins to put the pieces together.

Guerrilla1: Wait a minute, how can you "demonstrate" if we're wearing blindfolds?

Guerrilla2: Perhaps he means "demonstrate" in the sense of providing a logical proof, you know, the way that a mathematical proof ends with the Latin expression "quod erat demonstrandum".

Guerrilla1: He doesn't have to _logically_ prove that you can assemble a gun blindfolded! Obviously, if you can take the gun apart you can put it together again. I grant that point completely.

Guerrilla3: Maybe he means that his success will serve as an example to encourage us.

Guerrilla1: Well, I'm as keen on moral examples as the next fellow. What I object to is that this isn't a proper use of the word "demonstrate".

Guevara: Oh, shut up!

Voice: I believe that this piece belongs to you and that part belongs to your friend on your left.

Guevara takes off the blindfold and stares up at the barrel of a rifle. Nepali Army soldiers have surrounded the guerrillas and are pointing guns at them. Guevara stands up and throws the blindfold to the ground in disgust.

Long shot of the guerrillas being led away by the soldiers. One guerrilla has his blindfold on.

Guevara (voice-over): Oh, take that ridiculous thing off!

Cut to Pither still in the same posture in his cell.

Pither: Thank you!

Voice: Don't mention it.

In the yard of the prison a life-sized cardboard cut-out of Pither is leaning against a stone wall and shots are being taken at it.

Cut to Pither in his cell. Shots can be heard outside.

Pither (voice-over): As I lay down to the sound of the Nepali gentlemen practicing their shooting, I realized I was once more in a bit of a pickle. Who would have guessed that my cycling tours would end like this? My heart sank as I realized I should never see the Okehampton by-pass again...

He lies down. Close-up on his sleeping face. The image ripples and mixes with Palin's sleeping face.

Michael Palin wakes up. He is sitting in a director's chair outdoors in the shade of trees. The sun is bright. He is outside an Indian village. Standing beside him is a production assistant carrying a clipboard.

Palin: Oh, Lucille. I must have dozed off. (to himself) So it was all a dream. (to Lucille) I thought I was on Monty Python again and we were doing that cycling tour sketch.

Lucille: I'm sorry Mr. Palin, but _this_ is the dream. I'm afraid you're still in the prison cell.

Close-up of Palin's face. The image ripples and mixes with Pither's face on his prison bunk.

Pither: Drat.

The Nepali soldiers and their captives have stopped to rest on the banks of a river. Guevara is relieving himself behind a bush. He is being guarded by two friendly and dim-witted soldiers (Jones and Idle).

Soldier1 (Jones): Just how do we know that you're Che Guevara as you claim?

Guevara emerges from behind the bush.

Guevara: Well, do you remember the movie "Motorcycle Diaries"? (Soldiers nod amiably.) You remember that I swam across a river to join my leper friends on my birthday? (Soldiers nod.) Well, there's a river right here.

Soldier1: So, logically…

Soldier2: If you can swim to the other side of the river…

Soldier1: You must be Che Guevara!

Guevara: Excellent!

Guevara takes off his shirt and pants and wades into the river. The two soldiers sit down on the banks of the river and watch. Close-up of Guevara swimming.

Soldier1: He's a very strong swimmer.

Soldier2: I hope he doesn't have an asthma attack.

Soldier1: He doesn't have his medicine, you know.

Guevara continues to swim.

Soldier1: He's almost across to the other side.

Soldier2: Do you suppose we ought to call him back?

Soldier1: Yes, do.

Soldier2: Mr. Guevara! Mr. Guevara! We believe you now. You can come back.

Guevara reaches the other bank, pulls himself out of the water, and runs.

Soldier2: (amazed) He's running away! Do you suppose we ought to shoot him?

Soldier1: I suppose so. (They raise rifles and aim.)

Soldier2: (He lowers the rifle and points at the end.) Do you look down this bit to aim?

Soldier1: Oh yes, I do. (Soldier2 raises his rifle again and aims.) Of course, I never hit anything.

Soldier2: (lowers rifle.) Neither do I.

Soldier1: (He lowers rifle and looks it over.) You know, all things considered, I don't suppose there's any other bit you can aim with.

Soldier2: (He lowers rifle and looks it over.) I think you're right. (They both raise rifles again.)

Soldier1: (annoyed) Oh, now look! He's gone into the trees.

Soldier2: (shouting) Oh, Mr. Guevara! Come out of there! We can't see you.

Soldier1: (shouting) We promise we'll just nick you in the leg. It won't hurt a bit!

Guevara, sopping wet, struggles through the dense brush on the river bank and up the steep slope. He looks over his shoulder now and then to see if the soldiers are going to shoot him. He fights his way into the undergrowth beneath the tall jungle trees. He runs towards the camera and looks at it.

Guevara: It's…

Monty Python theme music plays.

Announcer (Cleese): …the end of chapter ten of "Across the Himalaya with Clodagh Rogers".


	11. Chapter 11

Che Guevara is walking on a street in Kathmandu. He is spotted by two policemen. They give chase. Guevara sees the policemen and breaks into a run. A dramatic chase sequence follows. Lots of close shots of Guevara looking frightened as he runs for his life. He repeatedly shouts "Mr. Pither". Close shots of Nepalese pursuing. More police join in, driving after Guevara. From time to time they shoot at him with pistols. Guevara disappears into alleys and around corners in the narrow streets. Every time he reappears he has lost some of his Guevara identity. His beard disappears, his combat fatigues, etc. to be replaced by the maroon monk's robes Tsering was wearing originally. Tsering, exhausted, finally turns into a cul-de-sac and stops, realizing that there is no escape. He shouts desperately one last time "Mr. Pither, Mr. Pither!". From over the wall of the cul-de-sac comes an answering shout.

Pither: Yes?

Tsering hears it, reacts and in the nick of time leaps onto a car and up and over the wall as his pursuers turn into the street. Low angle shot from other side of wall of Tsering dropping over it. He lands.

Pither: Tsering! Hello!

Tsering: Pither! What a stroke of luck.

Pither: Well yes and no. (He indicates with his head.)

Both of them are standing in front of a line of uniformed men with guns, obviously a firing squad. The officer strides towards them.

Officer (Cleese): Cigarette?

Pither: No thank you. I don't smoke.

The officer looks at Tsering who shakes his head.

Pither (cheerfully, to Tsering): It could be worse. They could have found out about the explosives in my backpack.

A regular slow drum beat starts.

Officer: Blindfold?

Pither: No thank you.

Officer (stepping clear): Attention.

Firing squad snaps to attention.

Officer: Ready. (Clicking of bolts.) Aim.

They raise their rifles pointing in the direction of Pither and Tsering. The drum starts to roll. Officer raises his arm. We hear running footsteps approaching, and shouting. The officer waits. A Nepali soldier runs in waving a message. He runs up and hands it to the officer.

Officer (opens it and reads): It's a message from CNN! It's an urgent request for an interview with the condemned man!

The drum roll stops abruptly. The firing squad groans with disappointment and lowers their guns. They start to walk away.

Officer: Wait!

Another Nepali soldier runs into the prison yard waving a message. He runs up and hands it to the officer.

Officer: It's another message from CNN! It says, "Angelina Jolie has just given birth. No longer care about the interview. Go on with the execution."

Pither: Drat.

Officer: You heard that! Attention!

Pither: Now we're really for it.

Drum roll resumes.

Officer: Ready! Aim! (He raises a sword.)

There's a loud explosion in the prison building. The firing squad is knocked down by the blast. Smoke fills the air. The building is burning.

Pither: (amazed) I think they found out about the explosives.

Tsering: Run for it!

Pither and Tsering run for a gate in the wall helpfully marked "Exit".


	12. Chapter 12

Palin and Tsering are carrying backpacks and walking along a road.

Pither (voice-over): After that amazing escape I was happy to return to my tour. It seemed a good idea to exit the Kingdom of Nepal as quickly as possible. I took the road to the Chinese border.

Pither: So, Phorbu, you've gotten over that strange bout of identity confusion?

Tsering: Yes, the excitement of being pursued by the Nepali police seemed to snap me out of it. There's something important that I can't remember. I still wish to go to America but I don't know why. I will accompany you to Tibet. Perhaps I will find my answer in my family's homeland.

The road runs along a steep, heavily forested gorge. The road climbs high up to the end of the valley.

Tsering: You know, Che Guevara was a very compassionate man. In his travels in South America he saw children whose constitutions appeared to be those of 8- or 9-year-olds yet almost all of whom were 13 or 14. He called them "the authentic offspring of hunger and misery". He thought that the isolated individual physician, for all his purity of ideals, is of no use fighting against adverse governments and conditions which prevent progress.

A Buddhist, of course, does not look for a revolution to liberate the individual. But then, perhaps in practice it does not matter which comes first.

Cut to Pither and Tsering crossing a bridge over the gorge. On the far side they reach a bunker-like concrete building flying the Chinese flag. Some trucks roll slowly past without stopping. Men carrying heavy loads on their backs also walk past. Pither looks in a window. The interior is deserted.

Pither: Strange, there's nobody here. Where are all the border guards? Oh, there's the answer.

Pither looks at a piece of paper stuck on the window which has the message: "Gone to Bingo. Come back tomorrow."

Pither and Tsering are on a highway that climbs steeply. The tree cover is gone and on the mountainsides bare rock shows through. They continue to climb. Around them are undulating brown hills. On the horizon is a chain of towering white peaks. A herd of black-haired yak graze on the grassland.

Pither: Every step feels like twenty. How high are we?

Tsering: We're at the pass of Tong La, over 17,000 feet.

Pither: I'm feeling faint. I've got to sit down.

There is a crack of thunder. Pither and Tsering look up. A bright white light is on their faces. Shot of the luminous clouds parting. The face of a man with a gray beard and a massive golden crown appears in the opening in the clouds. Pither recognizes it as a vision of God Himself. He falls to his knees.

God: Arthur! Oh, don't grovel! One thing I can't stand, it's people groveling.

Pither: Sorry.

God: And don't apologize. Every time I try to talk to someone it's "sorry this" and "forgive me that" and "I'm not worthy". What are you doing now?

Pither: I'm averting my eyes, O Lord!

God: Well, don't. It's like those miserable Psalms-- they're so depressing. Now, knock it off! Right! Arthur, King of the Britons, your Knights of the Round Table shall have a task to make them an example in these dark times. Behold!

Choral music swells, like the singing of angels. The image of the Holy Grail, a glowing golden chalice, appears in the sky.

Pither: Wait, did you say, "Arthur, King of the Britons"?

God: Of course I did.

Pither: But you've got the wrong Arthur. I'm Arthur Pither of 365…

The music slows and dies out.

God: Oh, sorry.

God walks away from the opening in the clouds. Then the light disappears and the clouds close like a window sliding shut.

Pither: Well, that's a bit of a let down, isn't it?


	13. Chapter 13

Pither and Tsering have turned off the highway and are on a dirt road. The only traffic consists of horses and carts. They pass isolated settlements consisting of low, whitewashed houses bedecked with prayer flags fluttering from poles at each corner of the roof.

They move through a desert landscape with minimal vegetation. The rugged slopes are eroded into strange shapes. Piles of jagged boulders litter the ground. A wind scours the rocks and sends up dust devils on the road.

Tsering: You don't look very good, Mr. Pither.

Pither: This is impossible. I can't go on. My head aches. I'm too tired to move.

Tsering: It's Mountain Sickness, Mr. Pither.

Pither: Yes, I recognize the symptoms. The headaches, the fatigue. I'm working on the dizziness and vomiting.

Pither almost collapses at the side of the road. Tsering sits down patiently beside him. Passing them on the road is a nun in maroon robes with a shaved head, carrying a large rectangular basket on her back. Her round, ruddy face smiles at them as she goes by.

Tsering: You mustn't give up now, Mr. Pither. Where's your boundless optimism and your will to overcome challenges? Where's the spirit that built the British Empire?

Pither: (groans) Oohh, it's gone the same place the Empire has, down the latrine.

Tsering: You're not yourself, Mr. Pither.

Palin: Oh, but I am. (A look of realization on his face.) How old am I? I'm – can it be? -- sixty, and I played Pither thirty-five years ago! I'm too old for these travel documentaries.

Tsering: You'll feel better after a bowl of garlic soup and a good night's sleep.

Palin: This is it, this is the end of me as a travel host. I want to crawl into some comfortable place and not have to move again.

Tsering: You mustn't give up, Mr. Pither.

Palin: The name's Palin. My name is Michael Palin. Look, these ladies know who I am.

Two middle-aged American ladies are hiking on the road. There is a look of recognition on their faces and we hear a gasp of excitement as they pass.

Woman: Oh, my God! (Palin has a modest smile and nods appreciatively.) It's Eric Idle!

Palin (to Tsering): (groans) No, no, not Eric Idle! That greedy bastard is still wringing money out of Monty Python after all these years!

He pulls himself onto his feet and they go on.

They arrive at low buildings which look much like a monastery but is identified by a sign as "Rongbuk Guest House". In the courtyard are Western trekkers dressed in fashionable outdoor clothing. Some of doing yoga, others are playing hackysack.

There is only one mountain to be seen from here and it is Everest. It fills the horizon at the end of the valley. It stands massive and solitary. A plume of wind-blown snow spirals from its peak.

Palin: Everest!

Tsering: Everest!

Palin: It's only a model! No, I'm joking.

Tsering: At least you have your sense of humor back.

Palin: No, not really. It just had to make one last remark before departing, like the souls of the deceased floating off into the sky.

Tsering: Should I point out to your audience that Tibetans call the mountain "Qomolangma" meaning Goddess Mother of the Earth?

Palin: Yes, go right ahead. I can't talk. My throat feels as if a herd of yak has trod over it.

Palin and Tsering are in a large, low room with a stove burning in the center. The timber columns, beams and ceiling boards are all decorated with painted animal designs. Tsering pours a bowl of soup and brings it to Palin. Palin is seated, soaking his feet in a basin of water. He is wrapped in blankets. Outside the windows the night is black and the wind is howling.

Tsering: (looking up at the ceiling) In the ninth century a Tibetan warlord tried to eradicate Buddhism. It survived by communicating with a picture code. These animals -- dragons, tigers, sheep -- are depictions of Buddhist heroes. That's how Tibet developed this rich tradition of painting. It was a target of destruction during the Chinese Cultural Revolution. But it continues to survive.

Palin: I'm going to crawl into my sleeping bag and try to sleep. If you want to continue talking you might try a voice-over.

Tsering shovels some more yak dung onto the fire.

Tsering (voice-over): You mean, like this?

Palin (voice-over): Yes, easy isn't it? It's very kind of you to take care of me like this.


	14. Chapter 14

In the morning the sky is pristine blue and the wind has died down. The long flanks of Everest are crystal clear.

Tsering: (smiling) You slept so long I thought you had…

Palin: Died? Not quite. The view is awe-inspiring but I wouldn't want to be buried here -- my bones would never stop chattering.

Tsering: It was below freezing. And the wind was terrible. You're feeling better though?

Palin: Yes, I think I can manage a hike. Now that I know I'm Michael Palin I should be trying to get back together with my film crew. This was all on our itinerary but I don't know if they've jumped ahead. I haven't a clue where they are. The only thing to do is to keep going and hope that we meet up with them.

Cut to view from high of two tiny figures hiking over a lunar landscape of rubble and gray gravel. The glacial morraine is partially covered by thin snowdrifts.

Cut to a sign that says, "Everest Base Camp". There is not much visible except a couple of small tents. Lying on the ground are discarded brandy bottles, playing cards, batteries and bits of crumpled clothing.

Close-up of Palin's terrified face. He looks upward. He hears the noise of helicopters. Shot from distance of black helicopters. "Ride of the Valkyrie" theme is heard. Shot from below of helicopters hurtling overhead. The helicopters land and disgorge a mob of Asian tourists wearing sunglasses and dressed for a spring picnic.

Palin and Tsering (together): Oh, no! Tourists!

The tourists snap pictures of everything, the camp, the snow, the garbage. Palin and Tsering pose obligingly for photographs. In the distance a group of yak herders with sunburnt, creased faces sits at a camp fire. They drink from tin mugs and watch.

Tsering and Palin are hiking away from the mountain.

Palin: Well, that was a bit of a let down.

Tsering: What a relief to get out of there.

Palin: And no sign of my film crew. Shall we continue on to Lhasa?

Tsering: Look!

Below them is a narrow gorge. They can see the bare gray rock on the further side of the gorge but looking down everything disappears into swirling mist. There is the roar of an unseen mountain stream rushing over rocks far below.

Palin: This wasn't here before!

Tsering: This is a place spoken of in our legends. It is called "The Chasm of Almost Certain Peril".

Across the chasm is suspended a narrow rope bridge. Rickety wooden slats are held in place by two ropes and another two ropes serve as handrails.

Tsering: That's the Bridge of Death. And there's its Keeper!

A short, squat old man with unkempt flowing white hair is at the other end of the rope bridge.

Tsering: He asks any who dare to cross the bridge three questions. If they can answer correctly they pass safely to the other side. If they fail they are cast into the chasm!

Palin: Too bad we couldn't send Eric Idle. We'd find out what kind of questions the Keeper asks, and maybe we could see Eric go flying into the chasm!

Tsering: Oh, Mr. Palin, that's cruel!

Palin: I was only kidding. I'll go first.

Palin crosses the bridge. It sways and bounces with his steps.

Keeper: Halt! If you wish to cross the bridge you must first answer three questions!

Palin: As you wish. Ask away.

Keeper: What is your name?

Palin: My name is Michael Palin.

Keeper: What do you seek?

Palin: I seek my documentary film crew.

Keeper: How many pounds of pressure per square inch can a chocolate cupcake withstand?

Palin: If only I were Pither again! Wait, do you mean the hard chocolate top or the cake part?

Keeper: Well, I don't know…

The Keeper lets out a cry as he is flung into the air and plummets into the chasm to disappear into its mists.

Palin: That was easy!


	15. Chapter 15

Tsering and Palin find themselves in a barren, inhospitable landscape. The sky has turned a uniform gray and the wind whips across the land. There is a large lake in front of them, gray mirroring the sky. Beside the lake towering rock formations stand, like larger, naturally-shaped relatives of the stones at Stonehenge. The rocks are festooned with prayer flags and these blow almost horizontal in the wind.

Tsering: I know this place. It's Lake Namtso, the most sacred lake in Tibet. Pilgrims come here from all over Tibet, travelling hundreds of miles on foot. They believe that if they walk around the lake in a clockwise direction they will gain merit for their next lifetime.

Cut to a shot of an aged pilgrim with brown, wrinkled skin wearing a dirty sheepskin jacket. He prostrates himself, drags himself over the gravel, then stands up. He presses his hands together, first over his head, then in front of his face and then in front of his chest, before prostrating himself and beginning the process again. He continues this as he makes his way around one of the standing stones.

Palin: Some of them are walking around the rock formations. I suppose since we're here we should join them.

Tsering and Palin are walking in silence. Tsering leans over to talk. He has to shout to be heard with the wind.

Tsering: Mr. Palin, I have it now! I know why I want to go to America. My teacher sent me there to establish a temple and preach Buddhism to the Americans. They are a wealthy people and have all manner of amazing technology but my teacher told me that they were hungry for spiritual enlightenment. Their souls must be nourished!

Palin: That's wonderful, Phorbu.

Tsering: He set me this task. How could I have forgotten?

Palin: Let's make our way to Lhasa. You can fly out from there.

Cut to Palin leaving his shoes at the portico of a prayer hall. Inside is a candle-lit interior with long lines of red-robed monks sitting cross-legged on their cushions, chanting prayers from small strips of text on boards in front of them. The camera pans along until it finds the figure of Phorbu Tsering, too immersed in his prayers to notice Palin or the camera.

Cut to Palin putting on his shoes again and entering Jokhang Square in Lhasa. There are rows of stalls set in front of old Tibetan-style houses with wrought-iron balconies. By the walls of the temple worshippers are doing their prostrations. Palin spots familiar-looking Westerners with camera and sound equipment.

Gilliam: Michael! There you are!

Palin: Here I am. It doesn't look like my absence has stopped you from filming my show.

Gilliam: Well you know me, Michael, I believe in keeping the cameras rolling. Once you stop filming the financial backers have an excuse to stop giving you money!

Palin: That's great, just great. By the way, who's playing me?

Gilliam: Oh Michael, you know Johnny Depp, don't you?

The actor Johnny Depp is dressed in Palin's typical plain casual cotton shirt, khaki pants and comfortable walking shoes. Palin shakes hands with him.

Gilliam: You remember that my project with Johnny, the Quixote film, had its plug pulled by the European backers. Well, that's a story for another documentary, I guess. (He laughs.) I thought it would be perfect to get him here to do this. You don't mind, do you?

Palin: Oh, surely not. It's flattering. But what are we going to do now that I'm back?

Gilliam: Let me think of something. It'll work out fine. The Himalaya is big enough for all of us. (laughs)

Palin: I was a little worried you might bring in Eric Idle or John Cleese.

Gilliam: Well, Eric is on another of those money-grubbing _Greedy Bastard_ tours of his. When he's not opening musicals on Broadway. And I don't know what John is up to. The last I heard he was head of some religious cult in Southern California, wasn't he?

Palin: Yes, him and Tom Cruise.

Gilliam: Him and Tom Cruise, that's right.

The three of them walk off together chatting. The camera pulls back and the shot merges with one of the same scene being shown on a television set. The ladies from Chapter 1 are still watching the show.

Mrs. Massiveheadcheese: It was a nice touch to get Johnny Depp into the program. It was soooo disappointing not to see him in Terry Gilliam's Don Quixote movie. It's all the fault of those Europeans! They're too busy thinking up subsidies on dairy products to care about independent cinema!

Mrs. Halfstuffedfrogbiscuit: Not like the English! And he would have been wearing those open-necked white shirts! They're soooo romantic. (She tidies up the tea things.) I can't wait for _Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest_.

Mrs. M: You're only saying that because the Disney people made you say it so we could use Johnny Depp on the show. (She waters the potted plants.)

Mrs. H: What, _Pirates of the Caribbean_?

Mrs. M: No, I mean _this _show, _Across the Himalaya with Clodagh Rogers_! (She pours some water for the bird in the birdcage.)

Mrs. H: I'm surprised they didn't promise a part for that froggy wife of his.

Mrs. M: That clever Terry Gilliam could find a way to work her in.

The camera pans back to the birdcage and zooms in. Vanessa Paradis is perched on a swing in the birdcage wearing sheer black tights with long feathers at the rear. She whistles a Chanel commercial tune which merges into the Monty Python theme. Roll end credits.


End file.
